So last night was interesting. I got to bed late, because I was finishing up a cookie set (a mermaid baby shower set- not my best work because I just didn’t have time to have the level of detail I’d have liked (it needs more colors), but I’m pleased enough). I passed out, aaaand the baby woke up. And she was *awake* awake, not at all interested in going back to sleep, even after some milk. And I was just SO frustrated. I didn’t get my night to sleep with no wake ups this weekend, and I’d gotten to bed late a couple days in a row, and she’s been waking up way more (9 month sleep regression and/or because she cut three teeth at once), and I was just so damn tired. I was getting more and more frustrated and angry. I knew rationally it wasn’t her fault but I was so overwhelmed.
By this point she was crying (overtired and unable to go back to sleep isn’t fun for anyone), so Christopher took her to rock her in the living room for a bit. I stayed in bed for a few minutes and just had a good quick cry. I was so exhausted and angry and guilty that I was angry and guilty that Christopher was being kept up even though he had to be up in a couple hours for work (whereas I get to sleep relatively late since the baby isn’t a morning person either). I was just over it.
But after a few minutes I was able to relax and make that shift from “omg go the f*** to sleep” to “my baby is tired and she needs my help calming down.” I went and got her from Christopher, and sent him to sleep in the other room so he could get some rest. And I got us all settled in and cuddled her up close and she calmed down and I sang her lullabies, and after 15-20 minutes she was sound asleep. I laid her down next to me, cuddled up against her, and we both slept well the rest of the night.
It was such a good reminder of how important it is to step away sometimes and give myself a chance to reset. I read articles recommending it when your toddler is being especially trying, but babies can be frustrating as hell. Sometimes we just need a minute to calm down and let the adrenaline settle before approaching the situation from a better place.
Also? I wasn’t able to go straight back to sleep once she was out. I was wide awake and it took some time for me to settle back to sleep. Why should I expect my 10 month old, who hasn’t learned how to settle herself properly, to just instantly fall back asleep when she’s been woken up in the middle of the night (I think it was gas btw, and that can really hurt!), when I can’t even do it myself? I’ve had 30 years to learn how to best get myself relaxed enough to sleep, and I still don’t fall asleep instantly (Christopher does, but he’s a weirdo). Of course it takes her a little while. Someday she won’t need me in the middle of the night anymore (if we could get there sooner than later that’d be great!), but for now my baby needs me and I’m going to be here for her. And take a lot of naps.