This post isn’t going to have a particular point. It will be just a random collection of thoughts that don’t really merit their own post. Just a warning for you, since I’ll probably jump topics with no logical segues. 🙂
Having Lily home has been amazing. Yes, we’re really tired. But it’s just the best thing, having her here. It’s hard to remember what it was like before she was a part of our lives, and I definitely don’t miss it. Well, I miss sleeping until I wake up, with no alarm (or fussy baby) to wake me before I’m ready. But even that has its benefits. It’s hard to be too upset about getting up when it means getting to spend time with her. 🙂 And babywearing (which I LOVE) has helped in a lot of ways. I can put her in the wrap, and more or less go about my business. We’ve played Magic several times (I’m 6-0, for what is the first, and most likely only, time ever), gone out to dinner, etc. I think my only real complaint is that people want to see her, so I have to be much more social than I’m accustomed to. I’m an introvert, meaning I am drained by being around people and need alone time to recharge. So having to be around people more than usual, on top of being sleep deprived, is wearing me out. But I can understand why people want to see her; she’s pretty awesome.
Though speaking of people seeing her, I do really hate letting anyone else hold her. Not because I’m worried (if someone makes me worried holding her, they won’t be holding her anymore), but because I’m jealous. I want to hold her all the time. Part of me (not a huge part, admittedly) doesn’t even like going to sleep, because I’m missing time with her. She’s grown so much already, in just a month, that I feel panicky sometimes. I shouldn’t be wasting time sleeping or eating or doing anything! I should be staring at her, all the time, just in case I might be missing something. It’s a bizarre feeling, and hopefully it at least gets less intense as she gets older and slows down a little on the growing.
We’ve had some firsts to enjoy. She had her first bath at home (she got some sponge baths at the hospital). She seems to like the warm water, but unsurprisingly doesn’t love getting chilly when it’s time to get out. I feel much the same when I bathe. We took her out to dinner for the first time. Her first restaurant was also the last one we went to before she was born (Fuji). It was fun too because it’s a small restaurant, and we go there a lot, so they know us well. They were excited to see that she’d been born and to get to meet her. And our usual waitress is even named Lily! 🙂 Her first trip to the grocery store was uneventful, not much to report there. But it was our first trip out that wasn’t to go to the doctor, so it was still exciting. She also had her first diaper rash, which was rather markedly less awesome, but thankfully that’s long since all cleared up. 🙂
Christopher got her room (mostly) finished! We still have one wall with no decorations, and want to put a dresser of some sort on that side, but it’s overall done. I love how it came out. He had the large painting commissioned especially for her room. If you look close you can see that there are daisies (remember we called her Daisy before she was born) and lilies in it. He requested those special, because he’s just that awesome and sweet. And my aunt gave us the daisy painting, which fits her room just perfectly. The little square/rectangle fabric pictures will be moved when she gets bigger. I want them on her level where she can move them around and “decorate” for herself. And the second lamp will go on the dresser when we get it.
On Hellobee in particular, but also in general, I’ve found that parents (moms?) get seriously pissy when you suggest that having worked in child care is in any way like having a child of your own. I would highly recommend never even hinting at that on any sort of parenting message board, facebook group, etc, unless you just like being treated to multiple rants about how very misguided you are. But honestly? Having been a nanny has been a huge help. Practically speaking, the day in, day out routine of parenting is exactly like being a nanny, except I don’t ever get to clock out. (Though since I have Christopher to help, I do get breaks.) Emotionally, yes, it is very different. I care about her so much more that I don’t have words for it. And it’s all more exhausting, since I’m getting up with her at night, instead of going home to my own house and uninterrupted sleep. But overall, I just really don’t understand the getting upset about people thinking nannying is at least good training for being a parent.
Similarly, people get even more upset if you suggest having pets prepares you for having kids. Again, yes, very different. The level of responsibility is incredibly higher. The amount of work involved is much greater. But it does give you some experience in being entirely responsible for the life of another being. And the way I feel about my daughter really is very similar to how I feel about my dogs, just intensified by orders of magnitude. Maybe for some people that isn’t the case; I know a lot of people think it’s weird to be too emotionally attached to pets. But for those of us who love our fur babies like children, it’s not that different.
One thing that’s completely random, and slightly TMI, but has been bothering me- I mentioned in the birth story that I had a very small tear. They said that with where it was, there was a part of it that wouldn’t heal back together, even if they stitched it, but that I could get plastic surgery later if I wanted to. I don’t think they said specifically, but I got the impression that the only reason to do so would be aesthetics, so I said that I really do NOT care and have no intention of getting plastic surgery. The midwives said it was up to me, and they just wanted to let me know it was an option, but one nurse who was in the room acted like I was totally wrong and got kind of snotty about it. Like I didn’t know what I was talking about and I would regret it if I didn’t fix it eventually. I am still just bewildered by her attitude. Maybe she had something similar and did get it fixed, so she took my “why the heck would I do that” response as a shot at people who made that choice? I mean, if it bothers me physically or something, I’ll get it fixed, and I have nothing against women who decide that just the way it looks is good enough reason, but I’m not interested. The whole thing was weird.
We met with the lactation consultant last week. She was awesome. She gave us lots of good information and support, and was very encouraging. I had been feeling discouraged and worried that breastfeeding wouldn’t work out, but she clearly thinks that we can get it working with a little time. Lily does have fairly pronounced tongue and lip ties, which are a big part of why she’s not latching well. We should be able to get those clipped as soon as I get her into an ENT. We also got a supplemental nursing system, so that even though her crappy latch means she doesn’t get much milk directly from me, she’ll learn to associate nursing with getting full. She provided other advice as well, but those were the two biggest things. I’m looking forward to continued progress on nursing, and ultimately dropping the pump (except maybe occasionally to make sure I have enough of a stash for Christopher to feed her some, or to be able to go out without her eventually). I also highly recommend seeing an IBCLC to any mom who is having any concerns at all about nursing. It was definitely worth the time and money.
I was a little worried that actually holding my own baby, finally, would make having lost River more upsetting. We never saw her, or held her, or anything, so she was always this sort of hypothetical, potential baby, and I thought that having a baby in my arms would make her more real, and show us what we’d really lost. But thankfully that hasn’t happened. Instead I’m falling very much into that category of being so happy with the baby that I have that I don’t regret the ones I lost as much, because if I’d had them I wouldn’t have had her. Which is not to say that I don’t still mourn those losses, of course I do. But she makes them a lot easier. We finally got our rainbow baby, and she really is amazing.
I think that’s all for now. I do have at least two more topics I keep meaning to write about, but I think they merit their own posts. And Lily is waking up hungry, so I need to go!