Some Ramblings

So, I said before that we were waiting to announce until I got blood tests done to confirm things were going well (or not, depending). I’ve given it some thought though, and honestly I really don’t want to have the blood tests. For one thing, they’re not a guarantee. If getting back good numbers would tell me that this was definitely going to be a pregnancy that ends in a take home baby, then it’d be worth doing. But all it means is that things are currently on track and I won’t have another really early miscarriage like the last one. And honestly the thought of sitting and waiting for those results just freaks me out. I remember how my stomach just dropped every time the phone rang when I was waiting for results last time, and that was before I even had reason to be worried that they’d be bad. Right now, I feel really good about this pregnancy. Everything feels like I expect, and like I remember from my first (which, yes, didn’t make it, but it did make it a hell of a lot further than the second). I feel positive, and hopeful. But I just know that once I know bad news could be coming, waiting for results, I’ll turn into a big bundle of nerves. Saturday (exactly 5 weeks) I took another test on a whim. My hands were shaking for the 20 seconds it took for a nice dark line to pop up. If just taking a normal test got me that worked up, how stressed will I be waiting for hours or days to find out what a blood test shows?

Of course, one drawback to not getting the blood tests is that now I (we) have to decide when to announce. I definitely need to get through tomorrow first. Tomorrow is 5w3d, which is how far I was when I started spotting the last time (though I already knew the numbers were bad). I’m not really worried about it or anything, there’s just this sense that I need to get past it. I felt sort of the same on the day my period was due. No reason to think there are any issues, just need to be through it. However, since I have no intention of waiting until 9w4d (when I started bleeding with the first, and found out there was no heartbeat), I have to figure out a good time.

At first I was thinking maybe Saturday, because I’ll be 6 weeks. For some reason 6 weeks seems big (maybe because I didn’t get there last time. Or maybe because the heart should have started beating by then), and like a good day to announce. Then I realized that Saturday is the 11th, which was my due date with my first. So I’m not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, perhaps it’s better to let that be a day of mourning, and save the celebration for another day. On the other hand, perhaps it’s better to reclaim that day, and let it be about joy as well as grief. I’m not sure. I know that I’m much less emotional thinking about it now that I’m pregnant again than I was before. I’ll admit, I was pretty worried I wouldn’t be pregnant again, and that it’d make the day that much harder. It’s harder to feel as sad about it when I’m feeling so hopeful about this one. I’ve also read that a lot of women who had losses felt much better about them once they had a baby. Because in order to have had the baby from the original pregnancy, they wouldn’t have been able to have the baby they did have, and they can’t imagine it any other way. I’m really counting on having that feeling someday. And for now, it helps to remember that that is coming, and that as sad as it is, this is the path I need to be on to have the baby that I’m meant to have.

Wait, I’ve lost track of what I was talking about. Oh yes, when to announce. Obviously, it’s also not entirely up to me, so I’ll have to get Christopher’s input. I haven’t really had much time to talk to him, because I’ve been crazy sick. Do NOT catch a cold while pregnant if you can help it, because it’s super not awesome to not be able to take any medicine. Pretty sure my FB friends think I’ve lost my mind because I’ve been talking about/looking for natural remedies. It was not because I didn’t want medicine, I assure you. Natural remedies are great, but they were not nearly enough for how sick I was. But I am feeling better, finally. All that to say that Christopher and I usually discuss things like that when we’re walking the dogs, or sometimes when we’re in bed before we fall asleep. I haven’t been walking the dogs with him since I’ve been sick and didn’t need to be out in the cold much, and I’ve been sleeping on the couch so I cold sleep partially sitting up. So I need to make some time to talk to him soon.

It’s also rather weird to be having this whole rambly post about when to announce when I won’t post this until after I announce. So no one will read this till after they know the results of this little debate. Oh well. Whenever we decide on, it’ll be soon, so I can stop doing the drafting method of updating. 🙂 And whenever it is, I can’t wait!

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