Little Update

So today has been interesting already, and it’s only 10am. I took Christopher to work (even with gas prices it’s cheaper than paying for parking downtown), and about 30 seconds after I walked in the door getting home, the movers rang the doorbell. They aren’t supposed to come till tomorrow! I have plenty left to do to get things ready, and was internally panicking while staying outwardly calm. They called and worked it out, but not cool! They were going to pack today and load the truck tomorrow, and we don’t even have a hotel booked to stay at until wednesday (the day AFTER they wanted to take our stuff). The one good thing from it though, is that I have a better idea what to get done today, based on what I was freaking out about not being done in time if they packed today.

In other news, my blood draw is today.  I won’t get results till tomorrow or wednesday though. I was pretty fine with it, but yesterday I suddenly had the thought of, “what if it comes back 100 or something,” and that got me worried. For some reason articulating the actual numbers made it more real, and worse. That being said, I still *feel* pregnant. So at the very least I expect my numbers to have stayed the same or gone up some, since I think I’d be feeling different if they were dropping. I’ve done the math, and I think I’ll be worried, but not devastated if I at least hit 175. That would mean it continued at roughly the same rate, and isn’t slowing down. 300+ is what I’m looking for, and anything higher than that would be very exciting.

The problem is that this isn’t definitive. Low numbers are bad, but don’t always mean a loss. (Dropping numbers would be a definite loss at this point.) And even if they’re great, it’s not a guarantee that everything will be fine. Part of me really feels like I shouldn’t have gotten the blood test at all. But part of the reason it was so hard last time was because it was such a shock, so knowing that things are iffy might help me prepare. Then again, if things are fine it’s making it harder to enjoy everything.

I’m still choosing to stay positive most of the time. My afghan is coming along nicely, though I really need to stop working on it and get on my hat orders. We said we weren’t going to tell too many people, but somehow pretty much everyone at his company meet-n-greet the other night got told. If the conversation went further, I just said it was high risk. I feel better talking about it than trying to hide it. Talking about a risk of loss might be awkward for other people, but let’s be honest. I’m super awkward anyway.

The only thing I haven’t decided is how to tell the rest of the family. I would have already if I weren’t worried about my little sister. She was really devastated last time, so I’d like to be able to warn her about things being questionable, or just not tell her beforehand if it looks like another definite loss. I think the plan has become this- if numbers are great, announce at birthday party as planned. If numbers are iffy, but not terrible, announce on phone/via FB, and send people here (I’ll go ahead and post these) for more information. And if they’re terrible, probably wait and just let people know later that we had another loss, again sending people here for information. Christopher would rather wait in general, but I really appreciated the support we had last time, and it’s definitely harder for me to keep these things to myself. Hence the writing random blog posts that I’m not even actually putting up. (Note- I’ll be posting these once we announce regardless of when/how we announce.)

Now, off to get things ready for the movers tomorrow!

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Staying Hopeful

It’s a little weird to write this knowing I won’t post it until after I already know how it ends. Ah well, we’ll see.

I’ll start with where things stand, and then go ahead with the topic I had planned. Today is Friday, and I’m approximately 4w4d. On Monday (4w) I had a blood draw to check my hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels. I had a second blood draw Wednesday (4w2d). What you’re looking for is for the numbers to roughly double in a 48-72 hour period. My numbers were 50 followed by 74. So while it’s definitely a good thing that they’re going up, that’s not what you’re hoping to see.

I was really upset when they first told me. But I’ve done a little googling (usually not the best idea in these situations, but who can really help it?), and it is definitely not unheard of to have slower rising numbers and go on to have a healthy pregnancy. One site said that you see the doubling in 48-72 hours in approximately 85% of normal pregnancies. That leaves a whole 15%. Granted, I would assume those that double more quickly are included in that, but still. It’s definitely not over  yet. Plus, to be fair, we were well past 4 weeks when we lost the last one.

So I have another blood draw on Monday. While I’m super not thrilled to have to wait so long, I’m hoping the extra long wait will mean extra high numbers. If I did the math right, I’m figuring I’ll be happy with anything over 300, but am hoping for much higher. Also, fingers crossed that the same lady isn’t working the lab. She’s the one I’ve had for almost all my blood draws (they did a bunch to make sure my levels dropped after the m/c), and I told her last time it should be the last time she’ll see me. >_<

So now let’s move on. Back right before the m/c, I read this blog post. For those who don’t want to read it, she talks about how they’re going through an international adoption, and how she deals with the stress. There’s always a chance that they won’t get the little boy that they’ve gotten pictures of and sent gifts and letters to. So as a way of actively having faith that things will end well, whenever she gets worried about it, she works on a quilt for him.

I really liked the idea when I first read it, and had intended to start an afghan myself to help get through the days when I was feeling more stressed about things not ending well. Unfortunately, I never got the chance.  Of course, this time the worry is worse, so it seemed like an even better idea to have something like this to do. I decided yesterday to start working on something along the lines of this, but with white instead of black.

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I went out and got the yarn yesterday afternoon, and it was right after I got back that I go the phone call about my test results. At first, I felt like I couldn’t start working on something like this knowing that this pregnancy is at least somewhat threatened. But once I got past that initial fear/shock, I realized that I need this more than ever now. To be honest, I never really meant it to be something that showed my faith that we will have this baby. Maybe it’s a little pessimistic, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that. It is meant to help me remember that even if the road is long, at the end of it we will have a baby. Not Stormy, clearly, and maybe not this one (haven’t settled on a placeholder name yet), but it will happen.

So here’s my start on my afghan for our baby.

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Getting the good news

Still gonna have to wait to post this till I announce, but why not go ahead and write it? ^_^  So here we have how I found out I was pregnant, round two.

Things were a little different this time. The first time, I was totally laid back, Christopher was working a ton, and we barely even managed to baby dance all of maybe 3 times that entire month. This time I was charting (http://www.conceiveeasy.com/get-pregnant/fertility-charting-basics/), using OPK’s (ovulation predictor kits), insisting on timing the BDing, and generally driving Christopher nuts. I took my first pregnancy test something like 7dpo (days post-ovulation), which is absurdly early. Of course, it was very negative. But I bought a big pack of the Wondfo brand cheapies, so I had plenty to “waste.” And I thought seeing negatives early, when it wasn’t upsetting because there was virtually no chance of getting a positive, would make it easier to get negatives later when it mattered. Not really sure that was good logic, but I really have a love for peeing on tests. (For the record, many women who are trying to get pregnant are just as nutty or nuttier, so no thinking I’m totally insane.)

So negative at 7dpo, and 8, and in the morning on 9. Then in the afternoon on 9, I committed the cardinal sin of looking at a test well past the 10 minute window. You can get evaporation lines and such after the test has sat out a while, so that’s a big no-no. But I did, and there was this SUPER faint line. Like, tilt your head exactly so and squint just right and then you could see it. So, like any sane person would do, I took another. ^_^ Same thing. Major squinter well after the window. So I felt a teensy bit hopeful but knew better than to take it seriously.

Next morning, I tested again. It looked negative, but when I got out of the shower there was a definite faint line. This was outside of the 10 minute window, but not by hours like the day before. I did show it to Christopher to confirm, but I played it down as much as I could when I realized that I wasn’t planning to show him right away so what was I doing! I have no idea if he believed my “don’t get hopeful, I’m not really supposed to have looked at it so long after taking it. It could be an evap line.”

I killed some time to look less suspicious, and then told him I needed to go to the library. Actually, I went straight to Walgreens to get some digital tests. I had the foresight to bring a dixie cup with me, so I took one of the digis in the library bathroom. And it was positive! I was super shocked. For some reason I never really believe I’m pregnant, even once I start seeing positives. So I went straight to Target and found a set of onesies to give Christopher for his birthday, and a birthday card. By then he was calling me since I had said I was going straight to the library and back.

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So there you have Christopher’s early birthday present. He was sick with a cold/sinus infection, so I’m not sure how enthused he was, but he’s definitely happy. Though seriously, I need to buy some non-sports onesies. I have 5 now, and all are sports!

There was a little drama the next day when I took the second digi and it came up negative. But based on continued testing, it looks like my issue is that they tell you to use the first pee of the day, and for me that isn’t the case! I get much stronger positives in the afternoon. And I’ve been testing everyday cause I’m awesome like that, and I’m getting steadily darkening lines. So I’m passed the worries about a chemical pregnancy, and on to the just enjoying it part! I am still waiting for the results of the 48 hour blood test (check twice, 48 hours apart, to make sure levels are rising appropriately), but honestly everything feels so on track that I’m not anxiously awaiting results or anything. I am pregnant, I am excited, and now I think it’s time for a nap cause holy wow this is wiping me out!

Some things have changed

I don’t think anyone bothers to read this but my family and maybe a few friends, all of whom already know, but just in case I’ll go ahead and include it here. We did lose that pregnancy. I started bleeding at 9.5 weeks, and ultrasound showed no heartbeat and that the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks.

It was difficult, and upsetting, and all those feeling words that I don’t like using. But we did get through it. It wasn’t the end of the world, even if it kinda felt like it for just a little while. I can think and talk about it now without even getting upset.

So that’s all sad and stuff, so let’s move on, shall we? Now the good news. I am pregnant again! I don’t plan to actually post this until we officially announce, but as of right now I’m 4 weeks and 2 days, and due on April 28, 2014.

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We are very excited. (Well, I am. Pretty sure Christopher won’t be until he at least feels a kick or something.) Honestly, I thought I’d be a LOT more freaked out, but really I feel pretty much the same as last time. Excited, and a little nervous. I always knew last time that things might not end well, and having experienced that hasn’t made nearly as much of a difference in my feelings as I expected. I do feel better that my doctor gave me progesterone supplements to take. I know they aren’t likely to make a difference, but feeling like I have something to actively DO to prevent another m/c is nice.

If you’re reading this, it means we officially announced all this. Since we plan to announce pretty early (my bday is when I’m exactly 7 weeks, and I think it’d be fun to announce at my party), you might be wondering why we didn’t wait. After all, most people these days wait till 12 weeks, and even more so after a loss. So here’s my take on it. I don’t regret announcing early last time (though it might have been nice if I hadn’t had to turn around and announce the loss quite so soon). I generally would rather my loved ones know if we’re going through a loss. I really appreciated the support last time, and it also keeps people from saying unintentionally hurtful things like asking when we’re having kids.

But the main thing is that I’m making the choice to not plan for things to go wrong. I’m not letting myself be fearful and refuse to celebrate just because there might not be a happy ending. And I want my friends and family to celebrate with me. If it ends badly, well, that’ll suck, but I’m gonna enjoy this pregnancy while it lasts, which will hopefully be for a nice healthy 9 months. 🙂