Sometimes This is Rough

Disclaimer- I will be talking about some family members/friends who are pregnant. If you are one of them and reading this, please please please believe me when I say that I do not resent you in any way. I will talk a bit about my feelings in relation to your pregnancies, but that is how I feel about MY SITUATION, not how I feel about you or your pregnancy. I am so happy for you, even on the days when it’s hard.

That being said, I found out yesterday that one of my cousins (well, technically my cousin’s wife) is pregnant, and due in April ’14. If you’ll recall, that’s the same month I would have been due with my second pregnancy. And I found out shortly after my first loss that one of my other cousins is pregnant, and due in Jan ’14, a couple weeks after I would have been due with Stormy. It feels like such a slap in the face from the Universe. Really? They couldn’t have been due ANY other time? Now when I see them, or hear about where they are in their pregnancies, I can’t help but think about where I would have been, where I should be. During the brief time I was pregnant the second time, I felt a lot better about the cousin who is due in Jan, so I’m hoping that once we get back on track and I’m pregnant again, it’ll be much less painful to be around both of them. But for now, yeah, it hurts.

So now I’m working on ways to stay positive when this feels overwhelming. I’ve hidden them, and another pregnant friend from my FB news feed. I do/will check in occasionally to see what’s going on, but I’m not really up for never knowing when I may see more pregnancy news if I go on FB. I’m also, as I mentioned before, focusing on other aspects of my life, things that don’t relate to babies and kids. Unfortunately, that’s a bit easier said than done. I’m an admin for Naturally Crunchy Moms, a FB page, and run the Pinterest account for the page. I also have an Etsy shop selling baby hats, Lil Fishies, which does pretty steady business. Even as a non-parent (and I’m so not going into the issue of whether I’m a parent since I carried two babies at least for a while), a lot of my life revolves around babies and kids. But I am looking for a job, and have a couple promising leads. If that works out, I can throw myself into work a lot. And maybe I could go through my pinterest boards and look for some fun, new craft to learn that has nothing to do with babies. Preferably a nice, complicated one that will take a lot of time. 🙂 (Anyone have any suggestions?)

Aside from that, I’m looking to find ways to derail the negative thoughts when they start. It’s so easy to fall into the rut of dwelling on the negative aspects of my situation. But things are looking up a lot, now that we have some answers from the doctors. (Also, my appointment with the Maternal-Fetal Specialist is on the 15th, so I’ll have more news then.) I can choose to be grateful for that. I can choose to be grateful for the little stupid things that kind of make me laugh at myself when I think of them, like the fact that at least now when I do get pregnant again, I’ll have all the attention for myself, which I wouldn’t have if I shared a due date with a family member.

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And every day longer that we have to wait for a baby is another day towards bringing that baby into a more ideal situation. (i.e. We’ll have that much more of our student loan debt paid off, etc.) Also, I’ve made progress on the What Would Snow White Do mindset I wrote about, but I’m far from where I want to be. Being more positive will bring immeasurable benefits to any kids we have, so the more time I have to work on that, the better. If we had had kids when we first got married, almost 5 years ago, I would have been a VERY different parent than I will be with who I am now. I’ll write about it more at a later time, but I cannot even express how grateful I am that I discovered attachment/positive/gentle parenting before I had kids. And having learned more about circumcision before having a boy has prevented me from making a choice to permanently damage my child that I would have ultimately regretted forever. So every day that I’m not a mom yet, is a chance to learn something that will make me a better mom when the time comes, before I do something I’ll regret.

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Interesting. I chose to write this because I feel like people should speak up and share their stories, especially when they’re dealing with something that people so rarely choose to talk about like repeated miscarriages. But it turns out that I feel a lot better for having written it. Taking the time to really articulate all the positive things I can be thinking about did exactly what I was planning to do, got me out of the rut of negative thinking. So if you’re in a similar situation, here’s something to take away from this. Don’t just tell yourself to focus on the positive or things you’re grateful for. Take the time to write them down, and really think about them. Add to your list sometimes. Sometimes things just suck, and you’re going to be sad about them. That’s fine. Take the time to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to. But when you’re done, don’t let the sadness take over. There’s always something good, and taking the time to remember the good things can really help.

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes This is Rough

  1. I don’t think you have to be particularly religious to believe that the energy you put out into the world affects your view of the world. I hope that energy is gentle and kind, and rebounds back upon you. I hope that your positivity begets a positive.

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