Some Thoughts

No updates yet or anything (appointment for test result follow up is on the 26th, so two weeks from today), but unsurprisingly, I have been thinking about it a bit. I’m trying to figure out how I’ll feel about the results, depending on what they are.

Firstly, you have the possibility that everything will come back totally normal. It is well within the realm of possibility that two losses is just plain bad luck. There may be no real “cause.” Or there might be some cause that won’t be picked up by the tests they ran, like if Christopher has messed up sperm or something. So getting results that essentially tell us nothing would be both good and bad. On the one hand, you don’t want to have something wrong with you, especially something serious that compromises your ability to have kids. On the other hand, if there’s nothing, getting pregnant again will be much more scary, because there’s still no guarantee that there’s nothing going on that will cause another loss. So mostly hoping that everything won’t come back normal, but it’s not terrible if that’s the case.

Then you have the scariest possibility, which is that it will turn out to be something major. I don’t know exactly what they’re testing for (blood clotting disorder was all that was mentioned, but surely with 18 vials of blood they’re testing a little more than that?), so this is a vague sort of fear. But I would assume that it’s possible that they’ll come back and say we could never safely have kids, even with treatment. That’s the worst case. I’m pretty much ignoring this one so I don’t freak myself out. It seems unlikely anyway, right?

Less scary, but alarming is the possibility of something treatable, but with an unpleasant treatment. She mentioned specifically that with blood clotting, I might have to give myself Heparin shots. I cannot express how much I do NOT want to have to do that. I hate needles a lot. Would it be worth it for a baby? Yes. But I’m really not big on that idea.

And then you have what I’m actually hoping for, which is something minor and easily treatable. She said that blood clotting issues could be minor and only need me to take baby aspirin. This would have the effect of giving me an answer, making future pregnancies less scary, but without having to go through a lot of unpleasantness. So fingers definitely crossed for this one!

In other news, I’m taking other steps to help with having a healthy pregnancy when the time comes. I was working on eating better, but between the losses and the move, I’ve backslidden rather badly. My comfort foods are junk food, and I go straight for them when stressed. But I’m feeling more motivated to get back on track. Somewhat easier said than done, given that the nearest healthy grocery store is nowhere close, but Publix does have at least some organic and healthy options. Thankfully, they definitely have organic dairy and poultry, since those are the big ones for me.

Also, I’ve found a nice hippie yoga place nearby, and will be starting that next week. Combined with some longer walks in the evenings with Christopher when we take the dogs out, that should really help with my lack of exercise. And I’m looking to get a job in retail, as I mentioned, which, while not actual exercise, will get me on my feet a lot more than I am when I’m home. Hopefully that will be happening soon.

I’ve been reading my book, The Dharma of Star Wars, again as well. Which is probably the world’s geekiest, weirdest way to work on meditation and positivity and such, but I love it. I’m not big on philosophy, or overly hippie-fied stuff, so working on those things within the framework of Star Wars makes me extra happy. I’ve found myself being more snippy and negative, and lashing out at times that don’t really justify it at all, so I’m focusing on controlling my reactions more, and not letting stress cause me to be too negative. I’m hoping the yoga and continuing to read this book and put it into practice can help with that.

I never know how to end blog posts. On Hellobee, they always end with a question, to encourage discussion and further thought, so I’ll try that. How do you handle stress, and what do you do to help yourself stay positive in stressful situations?

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