Staying Hopeful

It’s a little weird to write this knowing I won’t post it until after I already know how it ends. Ah well, we’ll see.

I’ll start with where things stand, and then go ahead with the topic I had planned. Today is Friday, and I’m approximately 4w4d. On Monday (4w) I had a blood draw to check my hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels. I had a second blood draw Wednesday (4w2d). What you’re looking for is for the numbers to roughly double in a 48-72 hour period. My numbers were 50 followed by 74. So while it’s definitely a good thing that they’re going up, that’s not what you’re hoping to see.

I was really upset when they first told me. But I’ve done a little googling (usually not the best idea in these situations, but who can really help it?), and it is definitely not unheard of to have slower rising numbers and go on to have a healthy pregnancy. One site said that you see the doubling in 48-72 hours in approximately 85% of normal pregnancies. That leaves a whole 15%. Granted, I would assume those that double more quickly are included in that, but still. It’s definitely not over  yet. Plus, to be fair, we were well past 4 weeks when we lost the last one.

So I have another blood draw on Monday. While I’m super not thrilled to have to wait so long, I’m hoping the extra long wait will mean extra high numbers. If I did the math right, I’m figuring I’ll be happy with anything over 300, but am hoping for much higher. Also, fingers crossed that the same lady isn’t working the lab. She’s the one I’ve had for almost all my blood draws (they did a bunch to make sure my levels dropped after the m/c), and I told her last time it should be the last time she’ll see me. >_<

So now let’s move on. Back right before the m/c, I read this blog post. For those who don’t want to read it, she talks about how they’re going through an international adoption, and how she deals with the stress. There’s always a chance that they won’t get the little boy that they’ve gotten pictures of and sent gifts and letters to. So as a way of actively having faith that things will end well, whenever she gets worried about it, she works on a quilt for him.

I really liked the idea when I first read it, and had intended to start an afghan myself to help get through the days when I was feeling more stressed about things not ending well. Unfortunately, I never got the chance.  Of course, this time the worry is worse, so it seemed like an even better idea to have something like this to do. I decided yesterday to start working on something along the lines of this, but with white instead of black.

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I went out and got the yarn yesterday afternoon, and it was right after I got back that I go the phone call about my test results. At first, I felt like I couldn’t start working on something like this knowing that this pregnancy is at least somewhat threatened. But once I got past that initial fear/shock, I realized that I need this more than ever now. To be honest, I never really meant it to be something that showed my faith that we will have this baby. Maybe it’s a little pessimistic, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that. It is meant to help me remember that even if the road is long, at the end of it we will have a baby. Not Stormy, clearly, and maybe not this one (haven’t settled on a placeholder name yet), but it will happen.

So here’s my start on my afghan for our baby.

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